Lukewarm

I am feeling the sleepless night today. You know, like the tingling you feel when you are nearing the hour before you meet someone you love, but the moment hasn't really arrived yet and you are pondering about whether you wish to go back in time so that you can prepare yourself better psychologically, or whether you wish that time passes quickly so that you can begin your date proper and stop worrying. Yes, like the feeling when you are drenched by a drizzle, but it never really got you wet enough to say, "Heck it! Let it rain all it wants!" That is what I am feeling now, weary but haven't got to the point when I can close my eyes and sleep. As a matter of fact, I do hate this kind of feeling but I thought I should have gotten used to it. When I was young, I counted the seconds to the commencement of my favourite television programme, and they seemed like years. Then I waited for the examinations to begin and end, which is sadly an integral part of my life, though to a lesser extent now, but they never really begin or end, for I do not really remember their non-existence and they don't look like they are going to go away. I was once obssessive with my art and drawings, working at them till they are about to be finished when I realise I don't really know where the finishing line is. Or with you, whom I really want to be with, but there is something missing largely due to my shortcomings and inadequacies which ranges from cowardice to being an idealist. The same feeling, that I want to talk to you, want you to pick up my phone, but I chose to call at a time when I am not so sure whether you are asleep, so that when you didn't pick up my call, I can assume that it isn't intentional, and I am not really ready to face that or you. Sadly, I do sometimes like to hide in my shell, look at the tightness inside it and extrapolating it to the outside world, but I am trying hard to kill this habit of mine. It isn't fun, really, especially for the many years I have lived my life, I had look upon myself in a rather favourable light. These art and design studies I am venturing into, which are as extraordinary as the girl I love, who never misses a single detail to support her sometimes cruel but honest opinion of me, who is never willing to see things at face value although she wrongly says that she is superficial, are really pushing me into the rain, trying to wet my half-drenched clothes, so that I can take them off and look in the mirror, making the sight of my big tummy unavoidable. That I am really nothing now, so that one day I can be something, unlike now- just half a thing.